Who is Ray?

I am a young woman who may just have been born in the wrong decade. I am smart. I am goal oriented and determined. I have a lot of self discipline. I am loving and kind.  I love to be of help to others. I love mentoring and coaching. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have a lot going for me. I have a lot of self awareness. I have big dreams for myself.

I often feel that I am not good enough, that I am not living up to who I think I am supposed to be. I worry alot about what people think of my actions, so consequently, I am self conscious of my actions. I don’t like making decisions when people are around me for fear of their reaction. I am self critical on a daily basis. I replay things in my head and wish I would have done something differently or said something else. When people whisper around me I automatically assume they are talking about me and feel uncomfortable. I am shy but I love to talk! So if I am quiet, it means I’m in my head, most of the time judging myself.

I am not always confident in my future. I constantly doubt my abilities, skills, and knowledge. I seek approval from others. I don’t like making mistakes. I don’t like being wrong or in trouble. I cry when I’m being pulled aside for a talk, good or bad, because I fear the worst.

I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for over 10 years. I have overcome many obstacles during this time. I am stronger and wiser. I work everyday to keep myself happy. I have gone through a few journeys to find my happiness, fearlessness, and positivity and I’ve learned the skills I need to cope. But I beat myself up about not being further than I want to be with my coping skills and managing my mental states.

Sometimes I am not nice to myself. I have self harm tendencies when I am hurting.

I don’t cope well with change. I like routines, I live off routines, and I hate when my routine is interrupted. Change is a trigger for me.

I love hard. In relationships, friendships, I love hard. I can get jealous if I feel those that I love, love somebody else more than me. I think I can require a lot of attention.

I just want to be loved, and know that I am loved.

I am not the closest with my immediate family, and that hurts me, but I still don’t know how to really foster those relationships. I fear my children will be the same way with me.

I feel that I have to hide ME in order to be accepted and loved.