It is that feeling that something is just off. It is a heavy feeling and burning in your chest that makes it hard to breathe. It is a feeling that makes you restless and feel uneasy. It comes and goes as it pleases. It can show up right before a big exam, or when you walk through a crowded room. It shows up when you have 50 million things running through your mind, or it simply is there when you mind is calm. It makes you feel like your dying at times. It makes you feel like you’re crazy. It’s called anxiety.
I have struggled with depression since I was 11, but it wasn’t until my first panic attack my senior of high school, that I started to struggle with my anxiety. I have grown so much over the years in dealing with my depression. I still have bouts of depression, but now I am able to handle it in a healthier way and it occurs less often than it did in the past. But I can’t say that about my anxiety, in fact, it has gotten worse over the years. It is something that I struggle with day in and day out but it is so hard to explain to those around me.
I think that is what makes it so hard at times. My anxiety doesn’t just show up when I’m stressing about something. It can be present for no reason at all. Just there. I can be at work, sitting down talking to a coworker, and then out of nowhere I have this intense “feeling” that takes my breath away. It shows up when I’m driving, when I’m laying in bed going to sleep. I even wake up with it. It’s difficult to get my day started when I wake up feeling short of breath, restless, and crying and I don’t know why. It takes extra effort to calm myself down and be able to get out of the bed. Sometimes it is as intense as a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, requiring me to take a fast acting anti anxiety medication in order to calm my thoughts and breathing. Other times its just a constant 3, just there and nagging all day. It’s just this internal feeling that something bad is happening, and sometimes I can’t stop it.
I’ve gained so many great tools to store in my toolbox from working my therapy, but it’s still hard. It gets tiresome. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m getting anxious and having physical symptoms. I just do. I am constantly telling myself, “You are okay.” “You are safe.””You are in control of this moment.”
I can be sitting by you and you see me close my eyes and take a few shallow breaths followed by a few deep breaths. That’s me trying to calm myself down before I start to hyperventilate and move into a full panic attack. You can see me rubbing my fingers and hands hard to try to bring myself back to the present moment. Other times you will see me leave a room randomly so I can recollect my thoughts.
Typically I am able to say when I feel like I’m starting to feel depressed, but it is hard for me to express when I feel anxious because it can get redundant. I feel like I’m just saying the same thing over and over again because its always there, and I know it can get annoying. So sometimes I just choose to stay quiet and deal. It’s there most of the time, I am just able to function with it. I don’t know how to express what type of support I need from my loved ones, because it differs day to day. Sometimes I just need a comforting hug that makes me feel safe. Sometimes the voice of another person can calm me down, no matter what they are saying. Sometimes none of that helps and I’m still in a restless state and I just need to sleep.
It is a daily challenge and an ever changing journey with my anxiety, but I am committed to the work it takes to overcome. This is something that controls my life at times, but I always have to remind myself that I am not my anxiety and that I have tools and resources to help me when I need it.
-Ray
Learning as I Grow 