Mother’s Day Blues

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. This time of year is always an emotional one for me. This year is a little easier since my relationship with my mother is getting stronger, but its still hard. It’s still hard feeling like I missed out on so many years with her, missed out on opportunities to make memories. She was there physically at home, but outside of home and emotionally, she was absent. It’s hard logging onto social media and seeing everybody’s pictures with their mothers and only having pictures with my mom at  graduations. I avoid going on social media and reading paragraphs upon paragraphs about my friends and their mothers. There is always a point around this time where I think to myself, “Wow, this year it may not be so bad”, then a few days later, I breakdown. This is the breakdown.

When I first started seeing my new therapist in Atlanta a year and a half ago, one of my goals was to strengthen my relationship with my mother. I have put in the work, pushed myself to sit through uncomfortable conversations, and allowed myself to open up a little more to my mother. Our relationship isn’t perfect but it is growing day by day and I cherish it. I guess since it was getting better, I thought Mother’s Day would be a little easier this year, but it still is hard. Although I love and appreciate my mother for all that she has done over the years, for giving me her all, although I accept her for who she is, it still doesn’t erase the pain, that void that I had and still feel. It still doesn’t stop me from hurting and crying sometimes when I get off the phone with her. It still doesn’t stop the small guilt I have for having mother-like figures in my life to fill that void. It still doesn’t make Mother’s Day any easier.

This journey to healing is clearly far from over. But I am allowing myself to feel how ever I feel with no judgement. Tomorrow I will wake up, call my mother and make sure she knows how special she is to me. I will also call my motherlike figures and also make sure they know how special they are to me. I will allow myself to feel. I will allow myself to cry if need be. I will take a deep breath, and be thankful for the relationship I do have and I will see the blessing in it.

-Ray