Feels

My 25th birthday was a week and a half ago. I was able to celebrate with a few of my close friends and loved ones. I rented out an Airbnb and let go. I danced, I laughed, I sang, I cried, I enjoyed the moment. But a week and a half later, here I am sitting on the couch after crying several times today; after having a few breakdowns the day/night before; after crying in my therapy session.

What has Quarantine done for my mental?

As I am coming down from the height of my birthday, I settle back into my normal routine of getting up, working out, doing school work, eating, and going to sleep. With stretches of off days in my schedule for work, I go days without seeing anybody other than my cousin. Sometimes I don’t talk to anyone for days. All I hear is silence and the sounds of my own thoughts. During this quarantine, I have sat in silence a lot. And in this silence, I’ve begun to explore myself more. Who am I? What do I like? What do I dislike? I’ve also begun discover the shadows in me. The parts that I try to hide, the parts that I don’t like, the parts that I am ashamed of. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve been sitting with those things. I’ve been sitting with the ugly parts of myself that I am afraid to show, and I don’t like it. Over and over again I hear “Why am I like this?”.

The Truth.

The truth is, I don’t value myself and I have unrealistic expectations that I hold myself to. Everything that I struggle with and I talk about in therapy boils down to these simple truths. I don’t extend the same love and compassion to myself that I do to those around me. I am a nurturer by nature. I live to care for others. It drives me, it makes me happy. I want those around me to be happy, well cared for, and without any needs. I don’t do it for reciprocation, because often times there is none. I give the best of me, but keep the worst for myself. I give myself doubt, negativity, harsh criticism. I can see all the good and accomplishments of others, but shrug off mine. I love to celebrate others, but can’t get excited about my own celebrations.

I am my own worst critic. My inner child strives for perfection. So I beat myself up about the smallest mistakes. I can be happy that I passed my test I was worried about with an 88, but lowkey I’m beating myself up about not getting those extra 2 points for the A. But to the younger nursing student I say, “That’s great! You did amazing”. I can place value in their hard work, but not in mine.

I don’t feel worthy of praise. I don’t accept praise well. Because in the back of my mind, I could have done better or it wasn’t my best. I don’t accept compliments or thank you’s well, it feels weird. But I thank and compliment everybody around me. They deserve it, I don’t. That is what I hate. That is what I don’t like about myself. That is what I try to hide. I try to hide my lack of self compassion, self worth, self value.

Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I am conceited at times. I know I’m doing the damn thang!! But I also don’t tell myself these things, I don’t allow others to tell me how amazing I am. Maybe because deep down I’m telling myself that I could be better, it could be more perfect.

So what now?

Now it’s time to get back to working on my self compassion. Working on loving me, all of me. The parts that I have yet to write about. Now it’s time to get back to giving to myself. It’s time that I stop making excuses, stop being scared, and just do it. It’s time that I revisit my vision board and refocus on my goals, which were ultimately were about self compassion. Oh, and it’s also time to get out of the house! I am a homebody. I love being at home but I also need social interaction. I need to be around my friends, laughing and joking. What ever that looks like now in this world of ours, is what I need to do… safely of course.

It’s been a very emotional 2 weeks, but it’s only up from here. God doesn’t keep us in one place for too long.

-Ray