“The best of all medicine is resting and fasting.”
Benjamin Franklin
All of us have that one trigger that has the potential to send us into a whirlwind. Long story short, I was triggered in August and have been triggered ever since. Once my anxiety is to a certain point, it takes me a while to get to “me” again. The past 2 months have been extremely hard on me emotionally, mentally and physically. I have had so much emotional baggage dumped on me, I had to have some very difficult conversations, I’ve had to face one of my worse fears head on. It was too much. I was overwhelmed with anger, sadness, feeling of helplessness, fear, and sometimes loneliness. I felt so heavy and overwhelmed that I was numb for a few weeks. I wasn’t able to process my emotions until a few weeks after being initially triggered. I was going through it! I was using my tools to best manage what I was dealing with but the shit was alot.
Now, I have my seasons when my anxiety is at a 10 and I start feeling depressed. But this time was different for a few reasons. I knew that I couldn’t lean on my village, support system, and friends like I was used to. I felt that no matter what I said or who I talked to, they wouldn’t be able to truly understand the gravity of what I was going through, because there was a lot of internal shit that was amplifying things. I also have a new position as a health care provider in which I have to show up as the “best me” everyday. I no longer have 5 days off during the week to rest and process things. I have to get up everyday and go to work and care for my patients. I also had a inkling that this was going to be a time in which I had to process alot of other things in order to fully heal and be okay.
The Alcohol Fast
Back in August, my cousin suggested not to drink at my brother’s wedding so I could truly be present with my emotions and how I felt around my family unit. That was the first nudge for me to do a cleanse or fast from alcohol. I also tend to limit my drinking anyway when I’m going through a rough time, because I have a history of using it at a coping mechanism and/or a self harm tool. So, I knew it was probably a good idea. A week or so later a friend shared that she was just finishing an alcohol fast herself. She briefly shared her and lightly suggested I give it a try one day. Listen, I am all about signs, so the fact that I had two within a weeks time frame about an alcohol cleanse, meant it was something I should at least think about. I was hesitant at first. Honestly, because I knew this fast would bring up some deep rooted shit from my childhood that affects how I act and I manage and perceive all the relationships in my life. I was scared! I was able to voice my fear and made the decision to face it head first and start the cleanse: No alcohol for 30 days.
I honestly did not realize how much alcohol affects me (or anybody for that matter). And I don’t drink a lot, just a few cocktails or glasses of wine socially. I knew that my dreams tended to be more lively and colorful, but boy were my dreams even more vivid with no alcohol in my system. I’ve always been a dreamer. So much so that I didn’t realize that so many other people aren’t able to recall their dreams on a regular basis. With no alcohol my mind seamed to be clearer therefore, I think, able to process better and dream a little differently. I normally have similar dreams. I know what is going to happen, I see generally the same thing every time. On the cleanse, I saw a variety of dreams that opened my eyes to how I was truly feeling and what I needed to work on.
Remember that childhood shit I said I was afraid of coming up? Well, it came up multiple times. And I have now began the process of working through what I now know to be childhood trauma, on the path to heal my inner child.
What did I get out of the fast?
Clarity and a sense of hope. During the fast I was able to let go of some emotions easier than usual. I feel like my mediations were deeper and I was able to hear and see Spirit more clearly. I felt more rested. I was able to hear my inner voice and make better decisions for myself. I was able to focus more on me and really feel my emotions and figure out what I need. I felt more connected to myself. I also was able to focus more on what I love to do and dive a little deeper into meeting some goals of mine.
I am going to do another alcohol fast in 2022. More than likely starting in Feburary. I think I can commit to doing a cleanse at least every 3 months, or whenever I feel like I need to reset and refocus my energies.
Much Love,
-Ray
P.S. I definitely had this writing finished in October but I’m just now posting it, no rereads or anything, so it is what it is. LOL.
Learning as I Grow 