My dynamic cousin Latoya Chambliss has been curating spaces for black women to be able to show up as themselves, raw, since 2016. “Queens Link Uh” is a space that she has created for like minded black women to come together and talk the shit. I have been to every link up since the beginning and I always leave full of love and wisdom. The event always seems to roll around during the tough seasons in my life. Last year during the link up, I was in crisis mode. Literally 30 minutes before the event I was on the kitchen floor rocking, in tears in a full blown breakdown. I showed up and felt the love and support I needed without even mentioning what I was currently experiencing. This year I am in a much better place, but still feeling those seasonal feels along with just feeling exhausted from showing up in life. I was feeling so drained yesterday evening when I came home from work that I didn’t think I would really be able to engage and connect this year like I normally do, but I was wrong! I found myself audibly agreeing with fellow sisters, commenting in the chat section, and truly laughing and enjoying myself while sipping my wine.
What Were This Year’s Takeaways?
Whew, there were so many takeaways and gems dropped, I don’t know where to start.
First let me just say, I love this event because it gives me, and all of us, space to feel seen and heard. This year I have really struggled with feeling seen, heard, and valued in all of my relationships. I constantly had to remind myself that I am not alone going through these experiences in life. This space reaffirmed that. As a collective we have been moving through relationship dynamic changes, learning how to show up for ourselves, building healthy boundaries to protect our energy, expanding our definition of self love, and healing through those childhood traumas. These have been very big themes in 2021 for me, though I haven’t shared a lot of the breakthroughs or setbacks that I have had. But hearing the other women talk about their similar experiences this year and how they are navigating them, resonated so much. I left QLU knowing that I am right where I need to be, and that I am, indeed, killing this thang called life. I may not know if what I am doing is right for me, but if I lead with love and pure intentions, everything will work out and I will be okay!
Okay, the takeaways:
- Balance is my theme for all of 2022. This is still a transitional period in my life and like so many of the other women last night, I will continue to have the high, highs and the low, lows. I will continue to have patients to care for, family members that will try to cross boundaries, life responsibilities, but I have to remain balanced in life and give back to myself. This year I finally said “shit has got to shift” and shifted my focus on me and filling up my cup and caring for myself. That will continue in 2022. I will continue to love my people, my family, my village, but they come AFTER me! It is okay to rest when I need to rest. It is okay to show up for myself!
- We are leaving one-sided friendships in 2021. Whew, I thought I was the only one having to reevaluate my friendships. I am a giver and a care taker by nature, but sometimes I need love and support to, and this year I realize that I had some people I valued who weren’t there for me when I needed them the most. It is all love, but I had to value myself and stop pouring into people who don’t do the same for me. As we go through life our friendships will continue to evolve and shift and that okay. But when you hear God telling you to let them go, LET EM GO! Men included!
- Navigating relationships with parents as adults may mean having difficult conversations, “but crab legs can help!”. The amount of times I have had to put my big girl panties on this year and have conversations with my parents, whew. Scary conversations. And the more we heal from our childhood traumas, the more conversations we find ourselves needing. Some ladies reminded us to always lead with love in these conversations and give grace to our parents who were just trying the best they could with what they knew. It doesn’t minimize your experience, but it allows you the space to forgive them, even if they will never change their ways. “There is power in forgiveness”. Take your power back sis.
- Healing can often be one-sided and takes time. I know this year I was so afraid to face the reality that despite my parents being physically present in my life as a child, I have trauma! And that trauma affects how I navigate so many relationships. I was loved and provided for as a child, but I was not emotionally nurtured or cared for in that way. Nurturing that part of me, loving her and healing her, allowing her to feel, that is all me. I have released my resentment towards my parents. This isn’t for them to heal from. It’s all me baby and I am doing it. Slowly but surely.
- Fvck Fear. Don’t let your family scare you out of doing what’s right for you! “Family does not have the power to control you.” “They have had enough say in your life already”. Shoot, I would not be in Atlanta working as a Nurse Practitioner right now if I listened to all the negative worry that was drilled into me. This is the time to take risks, all kinds of risks. Some women said it’s a muscle you have to learn to flex. Be confident in you and your actions. Shit will work out how it needs to work out. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. So make that Instagram post, move to that city, make that career leap, post that pole video, Ray!! Block all of that negative shit out and do you!
I feel encouraged, supported, seen, loved after this event. This is what I love about this community. I love my village and the groups of women that I am able to encounter and learn from. I cannot wait for the next Link Up, hopefully in person.
-Ray
Learning as I Grow 